


sweet as cherry wine (open hand or closed fist would be fine)

by transzoemurphy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationship, Artist Jeremy, Autistic Jeremy Heere, Child on Child Sexual Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Christine is a good friend, Coercion, F/M, Gen, Happy Ending, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Meltdown, Mental Breakdown, PTSD, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-blaming, abusive squip, because I needed to get it out of my system, body image issues, he/him jeremy, her name is quinn, human!squip, i wrote this for myself first and foremost, mentioned eating disorder, most of this was written after midnight, non contact childhood sexual abuse, non-con sexual activity, nonbinary!jeremy, nonbinary!michael, none of those rly fit but w/e, online childhood sexual abuse, pastel goth!christine, quite a bit of this is autobiographical, reality can be whatever I want, she/her squip, so like. canon, squipjer shippers please don't interact, they/them michael, unhealthy relationship, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 01:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20734310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: Jeremy's relationship with Quinn (Human!Squip) was unhealthy at best and abusive at worst. Half the time he wasn't even sure if what he remembered was real.In which Jeremy experiences trauma and works through it; he lives through everything and he doesn't just survive it, he thrives in spite of it.(See the notes or tags for TWs)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> squipjer shippers please don’t interact, thank you for understanding   
CW for coercion, unhealthy relationships, “age gap” (paedophilic) relationship, manipulation, sexual content, non-con, doubting bad experiences (such as doubting if it was really "that bad" etc, i put this here bc ofc it was "that bad" and jeremy cant see that rn bc of his current mental state), trauma, etc.   
also i hope the formatting on this is ok sjsjjsjsksk

Jeremy had turned 16 on January 19th, which was just about a month ago, and Quinn had only turned 17 back in August, and since Jeremy was a sophomore and Quinn was a junior, they were basically the same age, like, arguably.   
And like, Quinn had made sure she asked for Jeremy's boundaries when they first started dating. If Jeremy was kind of worried about telling her in fear of judgement, that was Jeremy's problem.   
Two days later, Quinn was picking out apartments and lifestyles and curtains for the two of them. Jeremy didn't know why she was so sent on this lasting for forever, but he wasn't gonna tell her that. He wasn't gonna burst her bubble.   
And, well. Some of the things Quinn said to him, sitting under the stairs at school, texting him during class... some of it was weird. And kind of scary. But again, that wasn't Quinn's problem. It was Jeremy's problem. He could have said something about it, but he didn't. Besides, sometimes the things she said would get to him and he'd find himself blushing. Clearly, he didn't really mind it.   
And if Quinn had told a couple people that Jeremy was trans and nonbinary and bi, it didn't really matter. Like, he was out to his friends and his dad already. It wasn't like he'd get kicked out of his home. But still. There were only so many times you could get called slurs in the hallway before you got tired of it.   
Quinn told him how Jenna and Brooke and Chloe were being assholes to her, and Jeremy believed her, and he tried not to talk to the three of them. She told him how Jake and Rich were homophobes, and Jeremy tried not to talk to them.   
When Quinn told Jeremy that Michael had been outrageously transphobic towards her, Jeremy was confused. When he'd last talked to Michael about it, they had admitted that they were questioning if they were nonbinary or a trans girl or genderqueer, and had asked Jeremy to use they/them pronouns for them. Jeremy had happily obliged. It didn't seem like Michael to be transphobic, at least not on purpose.   
When Jeremy's phone buzzed with a text from Quinn, he slipped it out of his pocket and read it immediately: Quinn could see him, and she got pissed when he didn't answer her texts.

Quinn: so... does Michael realise he doesn't have to have all your attention all the time...? Because I don't think he knows that

Jeremy fought the urge to press his lips into a thin line. He'd been best friends with Michael for years. Whenever anyone insulted them, he would drop that person like he dropped the volleyball in gym class every time no matter how hard he tried.   
But with Quinn, he was worried about what she'd think if he left.   
So he stayed.   
And he stayed until he got a text from Christine, reading,

Christine: hey are u and quinn still dating ??  
Jeremy: uh ya why  
Christine: oh i was just wonderign  
Christine: becuase i noticed when she hugs u you get rly still and look rly uncomfy  
Jeremy: do i???  
Jeremy: .,.,.,..  
Jeremy: oh god i do dont i  
Christine: yah  
Christine: do u wanna tell me like. what's going on in the relationship?

And so Jeremy did. And with Christine's moral support, he broke up with Quinn. And that should have been the end of it.   
But it wasn't, because the next day at school, Quinn took his hand and squeezed and wouldn't let him go.   
And the game of hide-and-seek began.   
Jeremy would hang out with Jake or Rich or Michael or Christine or Jenna or Brooke or varying combinations of them in different places every day. He'd begun this routine in March, and by the time school let out in June, he was tired of it.   
And he was kind of scared.   
He was scared that he'd made it all up. Maybe it hadn't been that bad. Because Quinn had been nice to him. She'd asked him if he was okay with stuff. Jeremy had said yes even when he was hesitant, so, anything that happened was his fault.   
But he couldn't quite remember what had happened. He didn't know when things were said or if they were said at all.   
So at midnight on a Thursday at the end of May, Jeremy opened up his texts and scrolled back to February.


	2. texts

[22 February, 19:53]  
Quinn: so... would you be okay with that...? Dating, I mean?  
Jeremy: yeah thatd be  
Jeremy: thatd be great  
Quinn: Yay!!! <3 <3 <3

Jeremy remembered how he'd had hesitations and dismissed it as anxiety, but looking back, maybe he shouldn't have just ignored it like that.

[22 February, 20:31]  
Quinn: I really want you to be so happy with me. I'd like your input as to how I could make you happy, if that's okay <3  
Jeremy: i dont rly know  
Jeremy: break into my head and fight my mental illnesses ??? hsjsjds oh or fix my relationship w my dad jsskkdjs idk  
Quinn: Well, I can't really start a swordfight with your depression or slip into your dad's mind, but I can tell you this: You'll be my Angel for as long as I live. You're my Lovey, my Baby, my Sweetheart. You're my Everything. I've wanted to say that for so long... <3

Rereading it, Jeremy felt sick.

[22 February, 21:08]  
Quinn: It's funny... that song makes me think of you. Of our timeless souls spending as much time as they can right next to each other. Of our mortal bodies, tangled together passionately and desperately as if we'd never feel anything again. Of your slender body registering all the pleasure I can give you. Of you and the things I feel for you and all the wonderful things I feel for and because of you.

Jeremy had been struggling with body image issues and EDNOS for years, but when he'd read that, his eating disorder must have just gone I'll show you slender. I'll show you bones. Because Jeremy was barely eating anymore and he still hated how his body looked and how much space he took up.   
But at least it was something he could control.   
Quinn was such a drama queen, going on and on about timeless souls and mortal bodies as if Jeremy had a soul left that wasn't covered in rot and left to decay.

[22 February, 22:57]  
Quinn: God, baby, you're gorgeous... I hope you don't mind if I get off to the thought of you tonight. How could I not?   
Jeremy: <333 its ok  
Jeremy: idk how u could tho lmao

It wasn't okay. Jeremy felt dirty, and that was ridiculous because it wasn't like Quinn actually did anything. Besides the occasional neck kisses and forehead kisses and cheek kisses and hand on his hip or thigh or back, she hadn't even touched him.

[22 February, 22:59]  
Quinn: You're so hot, Lovey.   
Jeremy: sounds fake but ok  
Quinn: Bullshit. You're hot and here's why:  
\- Your small body would look so beautiful under my own  
\- Your voice is rough and deep and I want to hear it when you're begging for more  
\- Your eyes hold little pieces of the universe and I would die to see them every day for all eternity  
\- Your lips are soft and red and I really want to kiss them... and do, you know... other things with them  
\- You have a small stature and frame but from what I can tell through all those clothes, you have a gorgeous body  
\- I would give anything to see you shaking underneath me

[23 February, 01:14]  
Quinn: I have to go to sleep, baby... Hopefully I'll be dreaming of you and your small but beautiful body...

Yikes. Jeremy knew he was short: at just over 4'11", literally everyone towered over him. Well, Jake didn't count because he was in a wheelchair, and Sami didn't count because she had a genetic disorder that made her smaller than average. But other than them, Jeremy was the smallest person in school, and he didn't like being reminded of it.

[23 February, 09:14]  
Quinn: I hope I'm not being too blunt when I say I think it'd be cool to have a place of our own someday. Where we could cuddle instead of just imagining it. If I could wake up and gently get out of bed (so I don't wake you) and make coffee so it's ready when you wake up. I want to be able to kiss you good night and see your beautiful eyes shimmer in the sunlight of morning. I can see a life with you and if I die having only fufilled one wish, it'll be this one <3

It had been a day. Less than that, actually. And Quinn was already talking about having a life together.   
Jeremy didn't even like coffee.

[24 February, 11:21]  
Quinn: I was wondering, since I'm going to be thinking of you today while I... do things... I was wondering if you had any ideas pertaining to what I could think about?  
Jeremy: well i mean  
Jeremy: i have a praise kink, so  
Jeremy: also hickeys ?? big fan.   
Quinn: Mmm, that's cute <3  
Quinn: I'm really into rough things and masochism, if that's not TMI. And hair pulling, hell yes!  
Jeremy: oh god hair pulling!!!  
Jeremy: dw thats not tmi

(It was totally TMI, at least this early in the relationship, when she was so much older than him).

[24 February, 11:39]  
Quinn: I'm glad you don't find it weird, and if you do, thanks for cooperating, you're such a good boy...  
Quinn: I also have a blood kink... and a knife kink.   
Jeremy: eyes emoji tell me more ??

Because how else do you fucking respond to that?

[24 February, 12:07]  
Quinn: Well, baby... you should cut my jaw with a knife. I would say my stomach but there’s some important shit in there. Maybe I could cut you back... I could mark you, make you mine... That would be so hot, baby boy.   
Jeremy: sjsjsjsjjs <3  
Quinn: And now I'm imagining drawing on your stomach with your blood and I Can't Fucking Breathe... There'd be nothing left to do but leave you wrecked underneath me.   
Quinn: Imagine it... your face, red with your blush, sweating, leaking your orgasm with blood spread all over your body... I'm wet just thinking about it, Jere.   
Quinn: if you want, that is.

Wow. Cool afterthought.   
Imagine if you got on an amusement park ride and it started going and when it was about to tip upside down they were like "Hey, you can have the safety harness if you want." Or stealing the fucking Mona Lisa and calling to the security guards "Hope that's okay!" as you waltz out the door. Not that Jeremy considered himself as valuable as the Mona Lisa, but, well. One of the only things Quinn hadn’t called him was “a work of art,” so.

[28 February, 18:52]  
Quinn: I was gonna send you a selfie but I'm doing a face mask and I remembered... no shirt... not that that's related or anything...  
Jeremy: sksksks i feel like thats related  
Jeremy: are u offering 2 send me shirtless pics..?   
Quinn: You don't have to say yes, but I mean... I'm more than willing...  
Jeremy: idk i mean what if my dad finds out?  
Quinn: You could delete it and if you wanted to see it just keep it in your trashcan... And if you needed to you could delete it entirely, I can definitely send more ;)  
Jeremy: *health teacher voice* bUt ThAtS a BaD iDeA /s  
Quinn: We both know you've disobeyed your health teacher quite a bit, Jeremy... ;)  
Quinn: So... do you want me to send them?

How do you even respond to that?

Jeremy: ya sure

Jeremy wanted to die.

[3 March, 11:03]  
Quinn: Ugh I'm SO pissed off, Chloe, Jenna, and Brooke are being such assholes.   
Jeremy: oh no whatd they do?  
Quinn: They're just being SUPER transphobic and annoying, ugh. I'm going to avoid them from now on. This happens every time, I should really learn.

When Jeremy talked to them about it after the breakup, he learned that it had actually been Quinn who was in the wrong, not the others.

[5 March, 07:14]  
Quinn: How come you're always with Rich and Jake? You do know they're homophobic, right?  
Jeremy: o shit rly ??  
Quinn: Yeah, they're both really awful people :/ Sorry I had to be the one to tell you, I thought you knew.

When Jeremy asked, Jake told him this was all completely fabricated.   
Jeremy wondered if maybe everything Quinn said was a lie.

[11 March, 11:42]  
Quinn: Are you okay? I haven't heard from you all day.   
Quinn: You were upset this morning, can you tell me about that?  
Quinn: Is there any way I can help?  
Quinn: Are you okay?

[11 March, 12:17]  
Jeremy: im ok now i talked 2 one of the school counsellors  
Quinn: Oh, can I ask when you left? Was it just now?  
Jeremy: it was like 20m ago idk why?

[11 March, 12:41]  
Quinn: Can we talk? We need to talk about some stuff.   
Jeremy: ya whats up??  
Quinn: Well, I just feel like you've been pulling away. Like, I didn't hear from you today. I wasn't sure if you were okay. Did you forget to tell me? I don't want to stress you, I just need to know if you forgot  
Jeremy: yeah im sorry its been rly stressful today   
Quinn: So that's it? You just forgot? You're not avoiding me?  
Jeremy: ofc not <3  
Quinn: Jeremy, I have to be real with you for a second... It really hurts to see more tumblr posts from you than texts to me. I feel like you aren't prioritising me.   
Jeremy: imsorry ive jindof been isolating myself recently i didndt mean ti upset you  
Quinn: I was just really worried... I didn't know if they'd sent you to a hospital or if you hurt yourself and I had to hear everything from other people. I hasn't heard from you but others did and it's really confusing. Jeremy: im sorry i didnt realise  
Quinn: Did you see or hear from me at all today?  
Jeremy: no i didnt see u agter this morning   
Quinn: And you didn't hear anything at all?  
Jeremy: nope ? why ??  
Quinn: I was just wondering.

Jeremy still wasn't sure what Quinn was implying in that last part, and he didn't like it.

[17 March, 07:09]  
Quinn: so... does Michael realise he doesn't have to have all your attention all the time...? Because I don't think he knows that

It reminded Jeremy of a Hamilton lyric: Blacker than the kettle calling the pot. Which, of course, wasn't a phrase originally from Hamilton, but, like... he was a theatre nerd.

[21 March, 16:14]  
Jeremy: hey im sorry but i think i need to take a break from the relationsyip?? i need to work on some stuff and idk i just. need time to myself rn im sorry  
Quinn: No, it's okay! Can we still be friends?  
Jeremy: yeah  
Quinn: Yay!!

(When he realised that Quinn's idea of "friends" was literally just "act exactly the same as when she was dating him," he regretted ever saying yes.   
...But did he even really have the choice to say no?)


	3. the aftermath

Jeremy had taken a shower already today but he felt absolutely disgusting.   
He couldn't stop feeling Quinn's lips on his neck where she'd kissed him, and he could feel Quinn's hand on his hip, and even though they'd never actually done anything he could feel phantom blood on his body.   
And he felt gross. He felt absolutely disgusting. But there was really nothing he could do about it.   
He didn't even deserve to feel like bad. It wasn't like Quinn had really hurt him at all.   
But god. Looking back, he hadn't wanted any of this. He'd thought he did at first, but he hadn't, and when he realised that, he didn't do anything about it.   
He should have said no.   
Why didn't he say no? Why didn't he just speak up?  
Why didn't Quinn realise that a relationship with someone who was nearly two years younger than her was kind of gross?  
Jeremy had to hide in different corners of the school to get away from her. He was spending his time in fear that Quinn would find him and try to get him to do something he didn't want to but like it wasn't that bad because she barely touched him.   
God, he felt gross.


	4. a letter to quinn : drafts. last edited 9 June 2019, 03:32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW violence, graphic descriptions of sexual activity and violence; CW suicide, murder, statutory rape?, non-con, threats

quinn-  
god you fucking ruined me  
i cant do anything without thinking about you anymore!!!!!!!!!! everything reminds me of you!!!!!!!!!! how deep does your ingrained need to validate yourself by harming others go???? if i ask you not to stab me would you stop?????? would you fucking stop??????? or are u adducted to my pain you piece of shit!!!!! you fucking like it don't you!!!!!!!! you like to hurt people to get off and you don't fucking care who gets hurt!!!!!!!  
i didn't realise anything was wrong bc u had me wrapped around ur finger from the moment we met!!!!! i want to put a bullet through my head but more than that i want to put one through yours!!!!! id say i wanted to stab you but i don't like it when i try to kill someone and they get sexual gratification from that!!!   
do u even know what u did????? do you care????? you barely even touched me but you fucking wanted to you FUCKING WANTED TO and im so young compared to you why would you say that to me?? i was just a kid!!! you wanted to cut me open and smear spit and cum and blood all over my body and i didn't want you to but i was SCARED TO SAY ANYTHING and you shOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN yoU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING ASKED !!!!!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU ASK WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!?!?! and when you did ask it was far too late to count for anything at all you asshole!!!!! i can't stop picturing myself degraded and helpless and i don't know what the fuck is wrong with you!!!!!!!!!!! you were closer to 18 than 17 and i was closer to 15 than 16 i was just a fucking CHILD and u were nearly an adult i want to fucking KILL YOU.   
i might have said that i was okay with it but i didn't ever say much in response to you and you should have fucking known better!!!!!! i want to fucking beat you but i bet you'd like that you sick freak! i was so scared!!! and i didn't realise until it was too late!!!!! i thought i was anxious so i ignored my common sense and you convinced me it was okay!!!!!!!!!!!! why would you say things like that to me when i was just a child!!!!!! i know i wasn't really a child but god in comparison to you i was absolutely a goddamn child!!! i thought it was okay but you were almost an adULT YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN BETTER!!!!!!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DO ALL THIS MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why the fuck didn't anyone tell me??!!!!??? why didn't i tell anyone?!!?!!??!  
i know about olly and josh and anna but were there others? am i fucking missing any??? am i missing any freshmen and sophomores your old-for-your-grade junior ass decided were okay to date?? were there others??? ARE THERE MORE OF US????????????????  
i hate you. you ruined me.   
i just wanted to be innocent.   
fuck you.   
sincerely me,  
jeremy.   
(satan's left-hand demon shouldn't flinch when he hears your name).


	5. talking about it.

Jeremy didn't like to talk about it at first. But the more he began to stew over it and the more he doubted that it really happened the way he remembered, the more he realised that drawing vent art of wolves with scales and blood and hyperrealistic teeth wasn't going to help as much as it used to. He needed to talk to someone. And since he couldn't bring himself to tell his therapist, he bottled it up until Christine texted him.

[29 June, 14:37]  
Christine: hey dude i was scrollin thru ur tumblr and like. are u ok ?  
Christine: because ur posting a lot of vent art and stuff and im worried and. yeah. idk sorry. you can leave me on read snd ill change the subject sorry  
Jeremy: no it's ok just gimme a sec  
Jeremy: idk how to words  
Christine: it's okay im here whenever ur ready  
Jeremy: okay so basically u know how i was dating quinn right?? i just. ive been thinking abt it and it wasnt??? good?? like.,.,., idk. i dont wanna b too graphic or anything but it was Bad  
Christine: dude its okay  
Christine: u dont have to share anything but like. im here to listen if u do want to share.   
Jeremy: uh basically  
Jeremy: well me and quinn dated for like a month. and by the second day she was talking abt moving in w me and having a life w me? which was weird esp bc of the age difference. but whatever. and then she was just. like. rly sexual and weird abt it?? like im not gonna kinkshame but theres only so many goddamn creepy things u can say b4 its like huh. dont like that. and she started trying to distance me from my friends. and remember i texted u when she tried to get me to leave michael? that was basically the last straw of a lot of things piling up and idk. it's just overwhelming and half the time i think im just making up things and that it wasnt that bad  
Christine: oh buddy im sorry  
Jeremy: :(  
Christine: would it help u to like. Go Someplace? we could go to the beach. pick up seaglass. we cohld talk abt it or we could not ts up to u. bt we dont have to jdjddj  
Jeremy: no that would b fun  
Jeremy: im out of sunscreen tho. the kind that doesnt make me want to peel off my skin  
Christine: i have some !! it's the spray kind and it's labelled as non greasy if thats promising?  
Jeremy: ya sounds good <3  
Christine: i can pick u up at 3 ?? we'd get there at 4, stay for an hour or two, and id drive u home ?  
Jeremy: ya lemme check w my dad  
Jeremy: he said ok!! see u there !!  
Christine: c u there :3

Like she said, she was there at three, and the ride to the ocean was quiet, with the Hamilton soundtrack playing lightly in the background as Siri told her where to go.   
As they got out of the car and left their shoes, Jeremy said, "At first I thought I liked it."  
Christine glanced over at him, trying not to overwhelm him with too much eye contact or attention, but just to let him know she was listening.  
"At first I was flattered. And by the time I realised I was uncomfortable? It was too late. And I didn't want to be annoying. So I didn't say anything. She couldn't have known I was uncomfortable so I mean, it was kind of my fault."  
"Even if that were true, which it isn't," Christine said, handing him a bag for seashells as they walked down to the shore, "She was two years older than you. She should have known better."   
Jeremy nodded. "Yeah. She should have known better."  
Christine pulled her lipstick out of her pocket (it was black and matte, and one of her personal favourites) and reapplied it, rubbing her lips together. "I'm really sorry you had to go through all that."  
"Me too," Jeremy said.   
They reached the shoreline and Christine immediately picked up a rock she thought was cool. Jeremy scanned the area for sea glass, then for seashells and sand-dollars, and then for cool rocks. He found a nice spiral seashell and dropped it into his bag.   
"I just... two days into the relationship and she was talking about living with me and growing old with me and dying with me. And, like, I don't even know if I'm gonna make it to 18, so. It's just... it feels gross. I feel gross. And when she barely touched me or anything it's hard to be like 'oh, this was definitely whatever' because all she did was text a lot and kiss me sometimes."  
"Wait, she stole your first kiss?" Christine looked ready to fight a bitch, white fluffy skirt, grey tank top, spiked leather jacket and all. Until you talked to her, the 6'3" pastel goth queen was fairly intimidating.   
"No, no," Jeremy said. "She kissed my neck and my forehead and cheeks a lot but never like, on the lips. I remember once she texted me talking about what she wanted to do to me- wait, I probably have it on my phone." He opened his phone and went onto the photos app, scrolling to his receipts folder and scanning it for a second. "Oh, there! She says, 'But it'll be really hard to pin you to a wall and' blah blah blah explicit sexual content 'when we haven't even kissed yet...'"  
"I'm gonna kill her!" Christine declared. "What did the- if you don't mind me asking, the 'blah blah' part. God, sorry, I shouldn't ask."  
"It's okay," Jeremy said. He handed her his phone and watched as she read each word, mouthing them to herself.

[12 March, 22:47]  
Quinn: But it'll be really hard to pin you to a wall and fuck you until you cry and then draw blood to draw with on your beautiful little body, when we haven't even kissed yet...

"I'm gonna break into her house and fucking kill her!" Christine announced, grabbing a rock off the ground and launching it into the ocean. "God." She handed Jeremy his phone back.   
"It was a lot of that," Jeremy said. "I kept screenshots of the worst ones." He flipped through a few more screenshots before passing her the one in which Quinn first admitted to wanting to slice Jeremy open and fuck him.   
"Jere, I'm sorry," Christine said. "I'm so sorry."  
He flipped to the next one, part of the list of reasons Quinn found him hot, and handed it to Christine before bending down to pick up a seashell. "She had this weird obsession with how small I am, which is fucking weird for so many reasons."  
"She dates guys younger than her and lists him being small as a reason she likes him? That's a major yikes all around, my friend," Christine said.   
Jeremy looked up at her. At 6'3", Christine towered over him, but he never felt short around her, as she never really mentioned it or acted any different. Like, he didn't mind the jokes or friends using him as armrests, but it was pretty nice to know that she just didn't care.   
"God, just, she says here, 'your small, puzzle-piece stature,'" Jeremy quoted mockingly. "What the fuck is a puzzle piece stature? What does that mean? Am I a corner piece or an edge piece or a middle piece? Oh, sea-glass!" He bent down and picked it up, tossing it in his bag before continuing. "Do I have strange divots and protrusions that fit perfectly with several others' protrusions and divots? What does that even mean?"  
"Can't believe Quinn said Autism Speaks rights. Disgusting. I'm gonna take her out back and shoot her."  
Jeremy snorted at the jab at what was maybe the most thinly-veiled anti-autism hate group in all of America. "She also convinced me that all my friends were bad people and I shouldn't hang out with them. And of course I was still under the delusion that this was okay, so she isolated me from everyone, and nobody noticed how badly I was doing and all the shit going on."  
"Well," said Christine. "Um, before I texted you about Quinn, I asked Michael and Rich about it. Because I kind of noticed you seemed off? And they'd seen it too, how Quinn was controlling your every move and how quiet you seemed. And Michael pointed out how you seemed freaked whenever Quinn hugged you, which is why I asked if you were still together."  
"It was the wake-up call I needed," Jeremy said. "I yeeted out of that relationship right after you texted me. So. Thanks."  
"'Course." Christine looked at their bags. Hers was just a little more full than his was. Judging from the distance they'd walked, they'd gotten down about a third of the way.   
"I should have said stop," Jeremy breathed.   
"None of this is your fault, I promise, Jeremy," Christine said, pulling her hair into a messy bun. "It is one hundred percent Quinn's fault."  
"I just feel bad being upset about it because like... she said some gross stuff and kissed my neck a lot but she didn't actually... do it. You know? So I'm just... I don't feel like I..." Jeremy huffed and trailed off.   
"Seaglass," Christine said, bending down to pick it up. "Dude, I get that, but for real. The things she said scared you, right?"  
Jeremy nodded.   
"And you believe that if she'd had the chance, she would have done those things?"  
He nodded again.   
"And you didn't want to do those things."  
He nodded a third time.   
"Then I'd say, even though she didn't physically do the things she wanted to, it's still fair of you to be traumatised by what happened."  
Jeremy leaned into her shoulder, wiping at his eyes with the back of his wrist. "Christine? I love you."  
"Love you too, J."


	6. healing; a journey

  
(1)  
17 august  
Jeremy's ceiling was covered in glow stars.   
The other night, he'd gotten very stressed and impulsively biked out to the dollar store and bought five packs of glow stars for his ceiling for $35.   
He now had 250 glow stars on his ceiling and 0 clue how to deal with his memories. In the past, he would have cried or self harmed or reread texts from Quinn or repressed it.   
But he could get through this without engaging in unhealthy behaviour. Or, well, he could try.   
He ruffled through his DBT book until he found the pages he was looking for, a list of grounding activities and his TIPP skills (temperature, intense exercise, progressive muscle relaxation, and paced breathing).   
After dumping his head in some ice water, he scanned the list and grabbed his adult colouring book and some Crayola markers and began colouring.   
Maybe he would be okay.   
He coloured in leaves until his hands began to cramp and his eyes blurred from concentration and he could barely remember what upset him so badly.

(2)  
3 october   
Was he watching the same episode from his favourite TV show over and over and over again? Yes. Had he seen it five times in the past week-and-a-half? Also yes. Was sobbing his heart out at 1am while watching it on the TV in his room really goddamn cathartic? Of course.   
The show was Castle, and the episode was, of course, Kill Shot. By now, Jeremy had every twist, every clue, every joke, and every line memorised. But he wasn't just there for the story anymore; rewatching the episode was like coming inside from freezing-cold weather and curling up in a fluffy blanket. Beckett’s PTSD was an integral part of the episode and of her character. Watching her break down and then heal throughout the course of the episode gave him hope that he could do that too.   
Esposito telling her that her pain was part of her now, and to use her pain as a tool, to take what knocked her down and nearly killed her and use it to help herself, god, it got him every time, but it was especially powerful this particular night.   
And when he got to the line where Beckett, with a gun pointed at her, said to "Find a better voice for your pain," Jeremy broke down sobbing.   
The scars on his arms and the thousands of repressed thoughts were a way he voiced his pain, but not a good method. And finding a better voice for his pain was what he needed to do.   
Jeremy had this epiphany at 1am, alone in his room, wrapped in his favourite blanket, holding a four-foot-tall stuffed bear, whispering every word in the episode to himself as it was said. And honestly? Knowing how “weird” Quinn would have thought he was being only empowered him.   
Quinn had never deserved him. He'd always deserved so much better.

(3)   
20 november  
Jeremy was having a breakdown in the bathroom.   
Which was to be expected. Because it was thanksgiving season, first of all, and he hated everything about thanksgiving, but especially the mandatory disordered eating. Add that to Quinn's hand "accidentally" brushing Jeremy's chest as she walked him to class, and Jeremy was overwhelmed. His teachers had then proceeded to give him "vacation homework," which was total bullshit because vacation was, like, two days, and they were giving, like, a week's worth of homework. To top it all off, Quinn sent him a selfie over Snapchat of her in a swimsuit at the pool in Florida, where she'd gone for vacation. And that was just too much.   
Jeremy was the poster child for "a fucking mess," his hands tangled in his hair and tugging at it, scratching at his face, near-involuntarily punching himself in the head, rocking back and forth and whisper-screaming into his hands.   
He should be over it by now. Why wasn't he over it? It wasn't even that bad so why the hell wasn't he over it?   
So Quinn had said a few weird things and sent him a picture. So what? She hadn't done anything. Jeremy was much more in the wrong, acting like she'd ruined his life or whatever. And it was his fault anyway. It was his goddamn fault.   
A Snapchat message from Quinn was the cherry on top of the perfectly fucking horrible day he'd had.   
Jeremy picked at the scabs on his arm and opened the text message, which simply read "Hey, what's up?"  
This was too much to deal with. He turned off his phone, dropping it and letting it slide across the floor, and buried his head in his arms.

(4)  
19 january  
"I was gonna do some bullshit but I figured calling you was better," Jeremy said, brushing his hair out of his eyes.   
"You okay?" Michael asked. From what he could see on his phone screen, the other boy was in bed doing math homework. A record player in the background was quietly playing Hamilton. God, that was such a Michael thing to do, playing Hamilton on a record player.  
Jeremy nodded and picked out a pencil before flipping open his sketchbook. "No. But I'm working through it."  
"Good." Michael sighed. "Dude, I'm really... really glad you're working through all this. I've been kinda worried."  
Jeremy nodded again. "I was feeling kinda shit for quite a while. But I think, like. It's... I can deal with it now. I couldn't before. Not well, anyway." He absently rubbed the end of his pencil across the scars on his arms before going back to his drawing.   
"Yeah. You were kind of a mess for a while."  
"Thanks for, like, hiding me every day until she started hanging out someplace else."  
"Of course. Whatever you need, dude."  
Jeremy began sketching out the outline of a character he'd only drawn once before, a yellow dragon with red eyes. When Jeremy had last drawn it, the picture had been accompanied by his rambling repetitive questions in the background; "was it my fault?," "did i deserve it?," "why didn't i know better?," and Jeremy thought it better to answer those questions on this one.   
He realised he'd been silent for a moment and glanced up at his phone. Michael was nodding along to Helpless and sketching out a graph of a piecewise function.   
Occasionally the two of them would just hang out over Skype, doing their own thing together, and Jeremy kind of loved that. Getting to just exist with people was possibly his favourite part of being, like, a person. As opposed to an aardvark or something. What did aardvarks even look like?  
He glanced at the clock. 01:35am.   
"Dude, if the 3 is eating the X, but the X is eating the 5, how tall is that?"  
Jeremy blinked and bit the eraser of his pencil for a moment, trying to decipher the question. "Are you high right now?"  
"Only a little bit. Like, a tiny bit." Michael showed the "tiny bit" with two fingers nearly touching.   
"If the X is the variable it's not affecting the height, just the side-to-side. You gotta use the Y= equation to calculate the, uh, thingy."  
By 2:15 Jeremy had finished his project. The dragon was looking up, and its expression was hopeful rather than scared. In large letters, it said, "It wasn't my fault," and he wrote in smaller letters the same four sentences: "It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it. You deserve to heal. You did nothing wrong."


	7. (two years later)

The things that had happened in the past still affected him on a day to day basis. There were still days he'd wake up and spend his time wondering if he was just being dramatic, if he'd made the whole thing up, if he'd asked for it. Some nights he'd wake up from nightmares where Quinn got everything she wanted and he'd just cry and contemplate returning to his old coping mechanisms.   
But he knew what to do, now.   
It had taken him eight months to tell his therapist, but she had been very understanding about it. He'd worked with her to develop coping skills. He had mantras he would repeat when he got upset. He could handle it.   
Things had gotten better. He'd just graduated high school. He was in a steady, healthy relationship with someone he knew cared about him. Quinn had left for college the year before him and he didn't have to worry about her anymore. He blocked her on all his social media, and downloaded her texts into a .zip file before deleting the original texts and burying the .zip file in a folder on his laptop. He wasn't ready to let go of proof that it had been real, but he wasn't going to let himself stew over it.   
Whenever any of his friends noticed him flinching away for someone or getting lost in thought, they dragged him back into reality and kept him safe.   
Two years ago, Jeremy wouldn't have believed that in a million years he could actually feel better. That he would he on medicines that worked and have a job he liked and be in relationships that didn't make him feel like he was choking and that he would have the best support system anyone could ask for.   
But he did. And he was so goddamn glad that he'd made it through.   
He'd framed the art he'd made and hung it across from his bed, the drawing a reminder of his survival, a reminder of his thriving despite everything.   
Every morning when he woke up, it was there to greet him.   
_It wasn't your fault. _  
_You didn't deserve it. _  
_You deserve to heal. _  
_You did nothing wrong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the long n short of it is that i was dating someone with literally no clue how relationships work or how to not be a controlling, pretentious creep! hggbgrjdk  
yeah i did cry writing this !!  
&kids. there's always a reason to believe you'll be okay  
my tumblr is @trans-zoe-murphy


End file.
